The Artemesinin came!

Checked the mail today after picking up the kids from school and low and behold...the artemesinin was in there which means I can now get started on it after waiting 3 weeks for it! My doctor's office sent it out but it got lost in the mail so I ordered my own from amazon. Love that my husband signed up for amazon prime. The significance is that after using the artemesinin for a week I can then start the doxycycline (my doctor is judging my reaction to the herbs before starting the antibiotics) that has been sitting on my counter for the last 2 weeks. I feel excited and hopeful to start combatting lyme but then after reading some people's accounts of their reactions to the medications for lyme I feel scared. Scared that my body won't be able to take it and it will be in worse condition or scared that it won't help at all. But these feelings are NOTHING compared to the valley's I have walked through for much longer periods of time. The overwhelming anxiety is no longer a daily presence and that is HUGE. This morning I felt pretty down in the dumps - and you know what I just did? I was just going to get my son who is home sick from school a McFlurry and I ended up getting myself a small fry and chocolate shake. Nice. But, I feel a little happier. Not good in the end but nice for now :-)! But in my defense I did juice 3 apples, 6 carrots, 4 mustard green leaves, 6 fresh prunes, a bunch of cilantro and a bunch of parsley for my breakfast.

Feeling a bit down

Well, in light of yesterday and then staying up and eating 2 fat-free chocolate pudding snacks and a handful of crackers with light spreadable cheese, I am feeling down. Good news, I got a message back from a local (well 45 minute away) support group that they are taking new attendees so that is good. They even asked how I was feeling. That was so nice. Because I know they know, at least I think they know so it means more when they ask. Friends and family that have asked about lyme haven't written back after I share what I am going through and that hurts. They just can't relate and so they don't write back. It is like shutting down a big part of me when I can't talk to them about what is going on and making small talk about stuff that seems so unimportant in light of the devastation I have experienced due to Lyme. I just wish it wasn't so but most I have to put myself in their shoes. They have never experienced it so they may just pull away. I very well might have done the same with a friend I knew who had changed because of an illness. Now if it was something else that they could understand or know about like cancer, they would probably all be surrounding me with encouragement. That is why I need a support group - I'm just sad. That quote I wrote from a doctor in one of my first posts seems to be true.

"Many patients report a lack of understanding among employers, family, and friends as being the most frustrating aspect of Lyme disease. The fatigue that accompanies it often is seen as laziness, or lack of desire, especially after the disease enters its second or third week of treatment".

The idea is that you just get better from taking a little bit of medicine for Lyme. My non-lyme friends think this way apparently. Wish they would read wikipedia. I don't want to get to down on this. I will mend. And be grateful for the newfound support group. On a side note - I prayed that God would speak to me from my devotional book and felt lead to open up to page 92. There it talked about being in a could of darkness and feeling lonely and that God is there with me in that loneliness and the darkness. I just needed someone to understand how I felt and that someone for me is God. God knew I was feeling really, really lonely after the let-down conversation with my doctor. And God knew that I needed to know that He knew. For this, I am so grateful. I am grateful that He is there and I am hopeful and full of faith that He knows and is leading me to the path of recovery. I still feel betrayed by Him though. As in, I was serving Him with all my heart, and then came down with this. How could he lead me to be in area with Lyme? Why didn't he move us to another area? I know to some that may sound ridiculous but that is where my faith and trust was at in God before all this happened. Complete trust that my life would turn out perfect because I had given it to him. I still believe that in ways and that is why I feel betrayed by him. At the same time, why do I think this? Paul had an affliction that God told him that he wasn't going to heal, John was banished to Patmos, Jesus died on a cross and I am sure the list goes on. He did promise that he would be with us in these trials. But then there are those scriptures (Psalm 91) that says he places a shield about us but I'm telling you my mom prayed every day for us and there are some family members that don't seem like they have benefited. Where is that shield. I trust it is there. I trust he is moving despite my lack of understanding. I trust that I am the child and he is the Father and he has the bigger picture and there is a lot I don't understand but there are those moments where I get angry and upset at Him nonetheless. But still, I am thankful that he knows where I am at and he cares enough to let me know He knows.